Amy Webster
Amy Webster's Story
Finding Purpose
"Being a Good Person" didn't bring me fulfillment. And where could I find true salvation?
Growing up I never cussed, had sex, drank, or did drugs-those things never even crossed my mind. I was a good kid, staying away from bad things. I never really had a reason why. I excelled academically and athletically. The problem was I had no reason to do so. I guess it was just seeking my parent's approval or to know that I was a "great kid." I did all of these things and worked really hard, but I wasn't doing it for anything other than my own glory.
Now I realize that I was trying to find my purpose in those areas. I also sought my purpose though boys. I tried to do as much stuff as possible- exceptionally-so that I wouldn’t feel empty inside. Additionally, I thought that I could earn my salvation by “being a good person.”
I remember how hollow I felt after sixth grade graduation. I had a crush on a boy, and he was going to a different junior high than me. I felt like the world was over because I was never going to see this boy again. I remember feeling physically sick over my loneliness.
Because of this, I continued to keep myself distracted with activities and boys. I began junior high desperately wanting to fit in. All my friends had boyfriends. When I didn't have a crush on a boy, I felt like I was empty. Life was boring and lonely when I didn't have someone to focus on.
The summer after seventh grade I actually cried over a boy I hardly knew. I met him at a water park, and he was cute and two years older than me. When we failed to meet up later, I spent the next day at home calling his hotel trying to get a hold of him. When I didn't succeed, I just sat in my room and cried. It was disgusting! My mom says she knew then that I had gone boy crazy.
If I had dwelt on finding my purpose in boys, academics, or sports I would have become hopelessly depressed. Girls can agree- boys fail us all the time! In high school when I got my first "B," my world would have ended. Going from starter to bench on the soccer team would have wrecked my ego.
I saw God working in the situation when I entered high school. I had begun attending a youth group the summer after seventh grade, and continued to go because of (what else!?!) the cute boys. After a year, I accepted the gospel and God's purpose in my life. I began going to youth group for reasons other than boys. My mom began bringing me to church on Sundays because I couldn’t drive.
In school, I was still obsessed with getting a 4.0, but other areas of my life began to change. I developed into the independent woman I am today. I didn't rely on other's approval anymore. People liked me for who I was, and they liked that I stayed true to my faith and morals throughout high school. I didn’t care about what was “cool” or what was “dorky.” I was satisfied with myself and I felt free. I was still boy crazy, but that's not the type of thing that just goes away overnight. I felt complete for the first time ever. The summer I accepted Christ, my mom and others said they saw a change in me. I was positive, happy, and filled with God’s joy.
Before, when I wasn't doing anything productive or fun I'd consider my time a waste. It would make me unhappy to sit around and do nothing. I felt incomplete without a love interest. Now, I can spend an entire day in my pajamas and not even feel guilty. I can be still and reflect on God. I'm confident and assured in who I am. I've begun to really notice the little things a lot more. I don't actively pursue boys and I am not lonely when there's no boy in my life. God's shown me that accomplishments in this world are nothing compared to Him and what He's done. When I fail at something or end up sub-par, I can just shake it off because I know that this world is not my home and none of my accomplishments will last once I'm gone.
Since then, I've found my purpose and happiness in God. He's the only way I could fill that emptiness in my heart that I tried to fill with academics, sports, and boys. I still pursue accomplishments and glory, but not with the fervor I used to. I pursue God-the only thing that won't fail me.
For, “all men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever.” 1st Peter 1:24-25